Portland to Paris to Egypt: Part III (Getting to Know the Country)

March, 2021

Me: “WTF?”

Then he shows me the bidet handle.

…oh.

And fuck that shit. I have honestly never heard a bad thing about a bidet. I actually have a friend who’s quite obsessed with his. I’m honestly convinced the thing gets him off but maybe it’s just a new level of clean – fuck if I know. Anyways, my point is that I have no problem with bidets, but I will NEVER use one…. Something about water shooting out from where I just shit, to wash my ass, is unsettling to me. So, I continued using we ones for the rest of my visit.

Another morning forcing myself out of bed, feeling hungover and in a dayz (didn’t drink shit btw). I had told Mory the night before I wanted to see the pyramids and ride a camel. He looked and me and laughed like I was racist or some shit… 

Mory:     You want to ride a camel? What, you think there are just camels all over?? hahaha

Me:        I can’t ride a camel to the pyramids?

Mory:        Yeah, you can.

Me:         …ok…?

So, I went to camel town. AKA Giza. This is like a Lake Oswego… or Hillsboro of Portland (geographically speaking) … a different city but at the same time, part of Cairo. The guy who picked me up was a fucking Pro. This guy knew EVERYTHING I swear. This was the most informative day I had ever had in my entire life. This guy taught me so much shit in such a short amount of time, you are going to have to bear with my ADD ass trying to share as much as possible while still making it tie-together: it probably won’t…

First and most important – I must elaborate on the driving situation here! I know I mentioned it but its worth a second one. This shit is out of control. I don’t know if it was a stress response, but every time I got in a vehicle here, I just laughed uncontrollably. I fucking loved it! If someone honks at me at home, it’s naturally infuriating. There, it’s fucking hilarious. They communicate to each other with their horns – just constantly tooting at one another…

It took a bit to get to Giza but when we did get there, the scenery had changed quite dramatically. There were literally donkey drawn carriages cruising down the road, trash lining the Nile, and what seemed like  miles of what was either half-finish or half-destroyed buildings. There had to be thousands of them, I swear!

I asked dude what happened (again, I had automatically correlated it with some war shit) and his response was astonishing to say the least.

He explained to me that Egypt’s government had been in turmoil for years. There was a recent overthrow of sorts in government, and before that – well, there was a reason it was overthrown. Anyways, Cairo has always had an ordinance in place that regulated building heights (assumingly to allow for pyramid views). I believe he said it was like 3 or 5 stories. Anyways, while all this shit is going down within their government, some douche bag contractor came in and built miles of buildings exceeding this height limit. After the new government peeps had a little time to get into the grove of things, they notified the Contractor they would have to pay a fine for doing this. The contractor refused. So what did Egypt’s government do? They fucking came in and tore the fucking tops off the buildings to bring them down to size. Not fucking joking. They don’t fuck around. Lol

Sadly now though, there are hundreds of uninhabitable buildings now, that are taking up space and look like shit. Didn’t really sound like there was a solution in sight either. 

I want to know who that douche contractor was.

Also surprising here, was the enormous amount of trash, in and lining the Nile River. It was astonishing. Dude explained to me (and this is OBVIOUSLY paraphrased shitily) that the people here were uneducated and didn’t understand that they were hurting themselves. Later, when we were in a room in the Sphinx he explained that that was where they had statues of the “Gods”, or whatever they called them, that were supposedly the judges in the afterlife. They would ask a series of specific questions when you died that would depict whether or not you were allowed in. One of the questions was, “Did you pollute the Nile?”. 

Apparently, these people had converted. 

If I remember correctly, I’m fairly certain that if you failed the question part, you had one more chance to pass though– if your heart was lighter than a feather… sounds a little dooming, but if it was completely dried out it might be possible, right??

Anyways, they had started construction on, what looked like bridge slabs, in which they were placing over the river to protect it from its people.  I noted the massive amounts of construction here that was never accompanied by people actually doing the construction:  Huge piles of rubble and construction materials everywhere, with no workers. Maybe it was like an extended weekend or some shit.

We arrived. I bought a stupid thing that goes over my head, with like a headband thing (straight out of Indiana Jones the Temple of Doom)- fuck it. Then I met my camel. He was a talker and I thought it was just because he liked me (or my chin scratching) but apparently, they’re just terrified of humans (presumably training methods) and cant see well, so when a humanoid shapes move, they get scared. Makes me want to cry. Glad I didn’t overthink that in the moment.

Another thing worth noting, and I find extremely interesting, is that they are still digging up shit there! You would think after this long, they’d have this area cleaned out, but no. There was like this whole area that looked like a burial ground with like tombs and shit that were partially exposed. They weren’t currently working on it due to covid, I think he said.

We were like 15 min into the camel trot, when we come upon 2 police-looking-officials, upon camels. Just chilling on a sandy null. It seemed a somewhat odd exchange they had with the camel guide (I thought they were going to make us give them money or something) then I swear they shared water- but I could have made that part up lol. I just remember telling him how pretty his camel was. She was a beautiful white fluffy shit! He basically told me that they appreciated camels throughout their entire life-cycle. After they’re done being cute mopeds, they are delicious food apparently. He even made that kissing-your-fingers-universal-sign-for-delicious… fuck….smile Summer!!!

We were almost to the Pyramids and approaching The Dude, whom I was getting handed back off to so I could be schooled in the history of Egypt. Now, before I left, Mory had told me exactly what to tip each person. He left The dudes open somewhat, but told me who else and how much to tip. I gave a little bit more that what I was told to the camel guy. He was not impressed lol. He literally said something along the line of, “you just spent more on something you’re not even wearing” (the Indiana Jones thing)… touché sir. So I laughed and gave him another hundred or something Egyptian pounds. Yeah, I got jewed. But not really. I figure fuck it, that is not going to make a difference in my life whatsoever, if it makes him happy for a day I think its worth it.

So, there are 3 main pyramids and 3 little ones in Giza; very close to one another.

They were all built by consecutive kings/dynasties trying to “one-up” each other (bigger or better locale than the last). When I say better locale, one of the pyramids, the one that appears the largest, is actually not; they just placed it in some magical way that catches the light or some shit, making it appear larger when it’s really not. Apparently he did this because the larger one was his fathers and he didn’t want to appear disrespectful… so he just made it look bigger Lol …sure buddy, whatever you gotta tell yourself…

Another pyramid was built out of this beautiful shiny stone (limestone maybe?) that is not found anywhere in the area. They cut and transported it here via the Nile. Most of it had been stripped off the pyramid and stolen (like all their contents) but there was still a small amount remaining and visible on the top.

The last King of this Giza-pissing-contest, decided he was going to be more memorable than any other and gave his wife(s) 3 shitty little pyramids next to his: yes, this fucker started the “women’s rights” movement.

Then we went to the Sphinx. Conspiracy theory town right here! 

Was the nose knocked off by rivals? Natural reasons? Was the sphinx a female/male? Some shit about a cat or some other feline species…. Can’t remember them exactly but just know that there are LOTS of questions regarding this bitch. 

Another relevant but not relevant fact about the Sphincter, was the river line. The Nile used to flow nearly to the toes of this ratchet but is now, nowhere in sight. This initiated a startlingly significant conversation regarding the river…

The Nile River runs from south to north and spans the entire contentment of Africa. The last country that benefits from this source, is Egypt. 

 “Water is life”, he repeated on many occasions. And you can’t argue that. The Nile River is essential to all life in Egypt. The country relies on the Nile, as we rely on Amazon…or air…

Well, the water level has significantly dropped over the years due to the construction of dams, among other things.

And now, Ethiopia is building a damn. From what I gathered from dude that would be detrimental to the country. Then he proceeded to say he understood that Ethiopia is just trying to come up in the world and he understood why they wanted to do it… but was adamant it would destroy them. Apparently, the government has been negotiating with them for years – to no avail.

Egypt, which relies almost entirely on the Nile for its water supply, sees this as an existential issue. Last year, Sudan’s water supply was disrupted by the filling of the dam, while Ethiopia sees it as a way to bring electricity to millions of its citizens.

BBC News

Sad. Fucked up actually – mostly that the majority of Americans have never even heard of this.

This is a big fucking deal and affecting millions of lives, yet our media would rather cover Covid Simplex 18… or the sub-sub-variant of simplex 42B…

{this is the part where I go into a 4 page covid rant but decided this was not the time or the place for such things 😊 but if you are interested, you can find it here…i may have been a little intoxicated FYI}

Anyways, we get a bunch of badass pictures, then he took me shopping! But not like souvenir shopping, this was legit local and historic shit – educational, if you will.

Do you remember earlier when I said there were 3 times throughout this trip that I really had a moment of understanding, or epiphany of sorts? Well, this was the second.

We were heading out from the pyramids, and I noticed these random, beautiful buildings. No joke. I asked dude about them.

Dude: Did they have crescent moons above them?

Me: Yes.

Dude: They are mosques. If you notice, next to every mosque there is a Christian church.

Sure as shit, there was. We later went into an art gallery thing but it was a government building, guarded by government guys with machine guns. All it had in it was Muslim, Christian, and Jewish art. 

Now I consider myself a very open-minded, non-judgmental type – I mean I did go to Africa by myself; however, this blew me away. All the rhetoric we hear on TV/news leads you to believe that the Muslim faith is anti-Christian almost [and don’t lie to yourself!]. I am like a liberal when it comes to views on people (and about that alone), and I instinctively don’t believe any shit that I hear, and I was still in awe. Apparently, Muslims support two other religions because they are so similar: that is Christianity and the Jewish (Judaism?? I don’t fucking know lol).  Apparently 10% of Egypt is Christian. Maybe I’m just retarded but I found that very enlightening and I thinks it’s important for people to know.

I ended up getting gifts for a couple of my girls here. One was a picture of a bunch of dark-skinned women; its, meaning was “we all started out this way”. It was like an Egyptian BLM painting. I had to get that shit for Irma and I don’t really know why lol!!! Then I grabbed a few more I like and would split them up later. They were all painted on some plant-based paper too. Here’s a video of the chick making some and explaining the process, it’s pretty cool.

Next, we went to some nice ass building where I was sat down and provided beverage after beverage of my choice. Don’t ever take the fucking coffee, FYI. It’s not coffee, it’s fucking Turkish BS and it’s foul!! I learned that the hard way. I was being a savage and gulped the 3 ounces down like a true American. Well, you’re not supposed to drink the last ounce or so cause it’s syrupy grounds and shit. I’m sorry, but if you’re not supposed to drink it, don’t put it in a fucking cup. Jesus.

Anyways, I was sitting on this nice long velvet bench that spanned the length of the glass case across from me. There was a small coffee-table sized…coffee table… in front of me. The dude (Not The Dude, but a dude) began dabbing different aromatic “oils” on me and explaining what they were for and where they came from. I say “oils” because they had the consistency of an oil but didn’t leave an oil stain if put on cloth. A fucking breakthrough! 

I wish I would have kept the list they had because it was cool, to say the least… I ended up buying three different flavors.

i. The mint one, which is so potent, you only need a drop added to hot water and it will clear up your sinuses faster than a tablespoon of wasabi.

ii. The magical heated serum. You put a couple drops of the oil on the skin and the more you rub, the hotter it gets.

iii. And finally, the lotus flower one. It’s apparently the reason Egypt has such a dense population, per the dude (i.e. so sexy smelling, everyone starts humping like rabbits).

I haggled with them for a while cause that’s what they do, and expect, and later find out – enjoy quite thoroughly. Between this place and the art gallery, I probably spent more than I did on everything else combined (less plane tickets). It was worth it: some actual culturally significant shit. 

Next, was the rug shop. I loved these motherfuckers! I swear I actually miss there assess sometimes. Like we were BFF’s or some shit lol. It started like the other lessons I had gotten. We walked through a rug weaving “school” (consisted of like 4 guys making rugs on a back porch). The ones they were working on, which are all hand-woven, were apparently going to take like a month or two to finish! Fuck my life, I like rugs but there is no rug in even the farthest extent of my imagination that is worth a month of a person’s life. I wasn’t able to hide that opinion for very long- Probably after about 10 minutes of them trying to sell me all the huge-ass fucking $500-$1000 silk/Egyptian cotton rugs, I may have let it slip in so many words.

Me: I’m not really into bright colors, I’m sorry…I’m more emo… neutral??

Rug guy (RG): Oh here! This is beautiful! 

Me: How much is that?

RG: $500 only!

Me: yeaaahhh, I don’t like rugs that much…

RG: It took a month to complete and it pure silk!!

Me: Oh, I believe you…. I just don’t need a rug…ya know?

RG: How much would you pay for it?

Me: IDK, like $50…

RG: [appalled looking] this is silk!

Me: [laughing] I realize that but I’m not in the market for a freaking rug lol… They’re not really my thing…I don’t even know how I’d get it back…

That was a mistake. One of his little assistants started grabbing rugs and rolling them tightly, showing me how small he could get them.

He keeps showing me rugs and I keep telling him I don’t need a fucking rug….

I’m still laughing at this point and so is he when he, apparently giving up on me, pulls out this little fucking pinkish color “rug” …. It was more like something you would use to lift a hot pot…

I look and him like, “really?” … then I proceed to blurt out “that looks like a freaking —–!”

He looks at me and we both start dying cause we both thought it looked like a bloody pad lol. 

At this point, for the first time all day, I was wide awake, my brain was working, and I was laughing my ass off.

We continued to bullshit and try to jew the other down, back and forth, for probably a couple hours. I had a blast! I got myself a dirty pad and an itchy blanket, along with this “gift with purchase” fucking souvenir purse. I was a happy camper 😊

Lastly, we hit up the ‘all Egyptian cotton store’. I was in Egypt, I had to stock up on the Egyptian cotton for shits sake. 

It was a huge store, in which had absolutely no power at the moment and was completely dark. I used my phone flashlight to navigate and check out the shit I was trying on. If I heard correctly, the government just shuts off their electricity from time to time… and they just deal with it. Lovely. I mean, it didn’t bother me, but could you imagine living somewhere where someone can do that to you and it’s just “acceptable”? We are spoiled ass motherfuckers here for reals.

Anyways, purchased a bunch of Aladdin pants and Mayan shirts and we bounced.

My brain hurt at this point. Two days left – I still had to go on the Nile party boat and see the Red Sea!! Isn’t that the one Noah spread in the Bible???

But first – a tattoo!! It’s a tradition. Apparently, Summer is a common name among woman in Egypt. It’s pronounced “Summer” but means like “happy” or something you would use to describe hanging with friends… I’ve always loved Arabic writing so I decided on my name. We went to some shop (it was like 10 or 11 at night, mind you…) and when we walk in, I see machine guns all over the walls.

Ok.

I pick out a font that I like and we go to town. He asks me if I’ve been drinking (as he’s roughly wiping the blood from where the needle was) … “um, no.” Wtf. Then he tells me that he’s never tattooed a white person… apparently, our skins a little different and the excessive pressure he was used to using, was making my ass bleed a shit ton. 

https://videopress.com/v/wLuRHZYb?resizeToParent=true&cover=true&preloadContent=metadata&useAverageColor=true

It turned out great, FYI. It’s my favorite so far. And for the record, an Egyptian dude saw it when I was at the Paris Airport on my return flight home and said, “what’s ‘Summer’ for?”… so I know that’s what it says.

Interesting fact: If the little accent/apostrophe thing was a circle, it would mean “black skin” lol.

Long fucking day. It’s Prayer time outside. Time for bed.

Links

Paris and Egypt Trip: A Prequal

Portland to Paris to Egypt: Part 1 (March 18th, 2021)

Portland to Paris to Egypt – Part II

~Summer