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When I stepped in my room, I just stared for a moment. The I looked in the bathroom, Then, I opened the large double doors to the balcony. I had a flash of panic run over me all the sudden and I started laughing uncontrollably. Like cray-cray-possessed-bitch laughing….

“What the fuck am I doing here, I am fucking crazy”

Then, the shit show begins…

PART II

That night I met 2 other fellas that worked there (or just hung out, IDK) and this bad-ass bitch from Spain that apparently goes back and forth on a regular basis…

I would also like to Note that I witnessed an esteemed member of society with his mistress there… if only I could remember the name… or station…surprisingly, even mistresses cover up in this country – classy hookers…classy.

I check my phone and see I have a message on my “What’s App” (which I had downloaded at Genevieve’s request when I was in Paris). It was from the Egyptian “TSA”, if you will…

I left my travel book-thing on the plane.

Of course I left it on the plane, Jesus Summer…”

Mory had went to get some food. I tried to give him money for it but he either refused or said it would be on my room charge – this was a reoccurring thing…and if I paid for it at checkout, well…let’s just say I don’t think I did.

So, we were eating some local shit that was confusing as fuck and had like 3 steps to compile soup. I was staring at it and Mory goes, “don’t worry, we pray 5 times a day” …. Umm, Ok? Lol. Well, in that case, fuck it! And it was actually pretty damn good.

Should I have waited until I found out I wouldn’t be executed for a shoulder-slip? Maybe.

Should I have weighed out if this kind of crude humor would be acceptable there? Probably.

Did I? Fuck No.

And I would have never guessed that this mother fucker would be able to make fun of ‘Merica better than my ass. It was a genuinely impressive display of world knowledge. I left the game with the winners when I retired for the evening.

By this time it was about 4:00 am, Egyptian time (6:00 pm, the day prior, my time). I was wide awake…so I take a shower. I put a towel down in the tub, just in case… not sure about cleaning practices here yet….

There’s no shower curtain which means I also made a big-ass mess, so I threw my dirty clothes on the floor (of course) to conserve towels.

FYI: I don’t have well behaved hair. Unless I’m in Hawaii, I have to torture the fuck out of my hair to make it behave in public (i.e. blow dry then melt with a styling tool).

I bust out my blow-dryer and go to plug it in but realize they have tard plug-ins. Surprisingly, my well-researched and impressively prepared-ass was ready for this battle and whipped out a WORLD OUTLET COVERTER, plugged in my blow-dryer, and proceeded to turn the bitch on.

I had barely flipped the power switch when a ball of flames shot out of the outlet and my blow dryer went silent.  Well, ain’t that some shit.

Note: when it comes to electronics, there are 2 main properties that determine compatibility when traveling abroad: The obvious physical part of the plug itself and the VOLTAGE/WATTAGE. Yes, I may have brought a fancy converter, but other countries outlets typically deliver higher voltages than America. Why does this matter? Because our products are built to withstand pussy-wattage and will blow up if plugged into some real shit. Thus, my current situation.

Mory ended up letting me borrow a blow dryer that plugged into their outlet, but I still had no access to a flat iron or any shit to tame my hair. I ended up using a Hijab (that I previously ordered because I planned to wear it) and twisted it all in my hair and shit – it was sufficient.

{This will come up again when I go on the “Boat on the Nile”}

Now, how the fuck am I supposed to charge my phone the entire time I’m here. I have a portable charger, but there’s no way it will last 6 days.

Oh, that fucker lasted, by the way– it was amazing!! Charged my damn phone for a week on 1 charge!! It’s a beasty bitch: you probably wouldn’t want to take it backpacking, but perfect for for vacations! A year later I took it to Belize and it charged my GoPro and iPhone for 5 days. No joke.

Link  to the most badass portable charger ever! FOR $35!

It was going to be light out soon I needed to get my ass to sleep.

I was Googling “poisonous insects and/or critters in Egypt”, when suddenly I heard something… it sounded like chanting…. Wtf was going on!!? Was there like a revolt happening, fml! Then I recalled Mory mentioning something about how they pray every 6 hours and I might hear something…. This is not what I was expecting. Here’s a video of what I heard. Make sure you have the volume up full blast.

It was in Arabic, of course, but the weird part was that it sounded like it was being broadcasted everywhere!! Come to find out, it pretty much is. If I recall correctly, pretty much all the major cities have these speaker systems and every 6 hours, someone goes to a specific location (Mosk I’m assuming?) and they say a PRAYER and its broadcasting throughout the region. I will not lie, the first night it was a little unsettling. However, as the days passed, it actually became the opposite: it was peaceful. Calming almost. It was beautiful and I honestly miss it. I will elaborate as my trip progresses, but these people, the culture, everything, was beautiful. It’s kind of embarrassing to admit because I have no idea why I would think otherwise, but it’s not what I expected at all. In retrospect, I think I expected a very serious and proper people (almost business or military-like). Not saying they don’t have that but it was a very warm and welcoming place once you get past the initial shock.

I think it was light outside when I fell asleep.

I woke up a couple/few hours later and told myself – “Bitch! You in Egypt! Get the fuck up and quit being a pussy!!”

I proceed to go out to the balcony for a cigarette. Fuck.

I didn’t show anyone this video until I got back for fear they would contact the embassy and force me to return somehow.

I just sat and stared, zoning out to the symphony of horns. I felt fucking hungover and I wasn’t. I don’t know if it was the 3 or 4 hours of sleep I got or the “jetlag” but I felt fucked-up. I needed some fucking coffee. I googled that shit and sure enough, there’s a fucking McDonalds less than a block from me!

It was 96 degrees outside, but to ensure that I didn’t offend anyone, I put on my loose cargo pants Toms, a loose black T shirt, and a scarf around my neck.

The ride down the elevator definitely contributed to this whole experience I’m about to have. It literally took me 4 days to learn/remember I had to physically open the fucking elevator door myself, and quickly, or it would move on somewhere else.

When I finally stepped outside, already fucking distressed because I couldn’t get out of the elevator, I realized how stupid I was for ever thinking Paris was chaotic. This place was a shit show. All you hear is honking. Cars are flying everywhere, seemingly with no rhyme or reason. They don’t have crosswalks (if they did, it would be for population control) and the 3 lights they did have in the ENTIRE CITY OF CAIRO (FACT), were disregarded nearly completely. It was insane. And apparently, they like communicate via their horns. It’s like a language. They literally drive down the road constantly tooting their horns. Every time I drove in a car in the daytime there, I just laughed the entire time, it was hilarious lol

Despite the humor I found in it, I wouldn’t walk near one of their streets if my life fucking depended on it.

One thing I did not specifically think of at the time, but in retrospect feel like it was impactful, was just the visual. Honestly, it may not have been such a big deal if I was from (let’s say), Phoenix. The Desert. But I am not. I am from a green, tree infested fucking forest, and this was the opposite. Again, I’m embarrassed to say this, but all I kept thinking about was “this is like a war zone”! Dry, dusty, brown, hot… IDK, it’s hard to explain. Basically, it looked like every movie we’ve ever seen that took place in the middle east during a war….

 

As I’m pondering all this, I realize that everyone is staring at me. Like, not rude, but not nice…I’m not one to feel awkward very easy, but I made it like 40 ft and said FUCK THIS SHIT and headed back.

 

I already thought I looked like a Mormon, but apparently, I needed to look like a nun. MF’s, bring it on! I changed (see video) and headed back out.

You  have no idea how much more fucking comfortable I felt. It was crazy.

 

When I finally reach McDonalds, there is a crowd of Egyptians, and you will never guess who else!!! Asians!! Apparently, being from the country that bore the world of McDonalds, gave me VIP status though because I didn’t even have to wait. The Bouncer (YES, THE BOUNCER OF MCDONALDS!) waved me right in.

 

I was surprised how many people knew English. It never even seemed like I was in a country that did not predominantly speak English. I mentioned this to Mory and others more than once and their response was always something along the lines of “yeah, in touristy areas” …. Hmm…. I didn’t really think I was in the touristy area- but, what do I know…

 

Anyways, I order some food, then repeat that I want a large coffee about 14 times (while making universal “large” motions with my arms). Though she knew English fairly well, it did not help when it came down to payment… I had Egyptian Pounds, not dollars…. I had to fan threw my phat stack of bills [like a pimp] for an uncomfortable amount of time before I came up with a combination that somewhat satisfied her. She hesitated, said something about change…I told her to keep it (it was minimal), she seemed distressed but lowered the price of my coffee to compensate….weird but everything seemed peachy.

 

 

Until I was handed a 6 oz fucking shot glass of coffee. I walked away with a big, fake-ass American smile, and begrudgingly cherished all 6 ounces of that bitch.

After eating Mory took me down to some famous street market (Khan el-Khalili). It was cool as shit. Social Distancing? What the fuck is that? Lol It was great!

“Khan el-Khalili” is a famous bazaar in the historic center of Cairo, Egypt. Established as a center of trade in the Mamluk era and named for one of its several historic caravanserais, the bazaar district has since become one of Cairo’s main attractions for tourists and Egyptians alike”

~ Google

The buildings were fucking amazing! Multiple times I told Mory that if this shit was back in America, it would be behind glass and no photography allowed. And here we are, chain smoking in them.

 

We ended up going to a restaurant that Morgan Freeman or some shit made famous by frequenting to read. Then ate and had a couple beers. Apparently, this place was gangster because not everywhere there sells alcohol. I don’t know what the equivalent here would be, but drinking is definitely frowned upon for some ungodly reason (or maybe “Godly” would be more accurate). On the way back to the hostel I asked if we could stop somewhere and get some more booze. We stop by some little street market-thing. Note that most establishments here are like outside and shit. Or don’t have doors? Its hard to explain but everything is like outside…idk. Fuck. Anyways, I start grabbing bottles out of this cooler. I have like 4 in hand and going for more when Mory turns around and his eyes get all huge and he looked fucking terrified! Lol He starts grabbing them out of m hand, putting them back, and mumbling “no”, I think?? Thinking to myself, “Ok, you fucking lightweights” … anyways, I think I left with 2. Surprisingly, I never fucking drank them anyways (yes, shocker to me too). I even offered one to the guys back at the hostel and only one dude decided to partake. He had never drank before lol. Great, I popped his booze cherry. It was funny watching him get tipsy off a half of a beer though lol. Their drug of choice, and apparently approved by Allah, was Hashish.

Hashish (Arabic: حشيش‎, (IPA: [ħæʃiːʃ])), also known as hash, is a drug made by compressing and processing trichomes of the cannabis plant.

That and fucking cigarettes. Those motherfuckers have lungs of steel. The shits impressive. At one point, I can’t remember why, I gave Mory my Nicorette gum I brought. He ate that shit like candy and never took the cigarette out of his mouth. I was like, Damn.

So, I had mentioned before that blonde hair wasn’t exactly common here. Well, we’re just sitting there eating and Mory asks me if he can touch my hair lol… it sounds creepier than it was, really! Totally innocent; However, it did not make it any less fucking hilarious. So, I took my hair tie out and released the 3rd world monstrosity (no straightener, curling iron, products, etc.…). I was about to say he probably thought it felt the same as any other hair he’d felt, all coarse from the climate and lack of stupid shit that we Americans spend an embarrassing amount of money on, and it dawned on me that it’s probably the fucking climate/environment that makes it different to begin with (if that makes any sense) …

We bullshit and smoke like 87 cigarettes between the 4 of us (did I mention you can smoke indoors like anywhere in this country. ANYWHERE). I go back to my room for a bit to shower and told them I’d be back out.

Well, I had previously tried to explain to Mory that American woman are SLOW AF, but he obviously was too cause his ass was already messaging me telling me to hurry up. I message his ass back.

I also realized that I accidently sent them another message earlier that night.

They never responded. Surprise surprise….

That wasn’t the end of their American White Girl experience, but we’ll get to that.

Anyways, it is now prayer time [AKA bed time] – tomorrow I was going to ride a fucking camel to the pyramids!

Next post in series:

Egypt Photo Dump