The Zoo Facility: $35 for a 7-Day Pass

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Sophisticated Aside

Skip the Sophisticated Aside

Allow me to embark upon this narrative with a dash of philosophical contemplation, if you will. Should you take but a moment to imbibe the profundity of this ostensibly unremarkable nugget of reality I recently encountered, it is quite plausible that your prowess in the realm of humanity may experience an elevation of commendable measure.

My voyage, or dare I say peregrination, has taken me across landscapes diverse and numerous, granting me the privilege of acquainting myself with various woodlands. I’ve traversed the entirety of Belize, a nation comprised predominantly of verdant forests. The colossal Redwood forest in Washington has unveiled itself to my senses, as has the vast expanse of Oregon’s arboreal embrace, where I have the privilege of dwelling. Noteworthy among my arboreal compatriots, Detroit’s tree congregation has borne witness to our shared escapades.

The crux of my thesis resides in the notion that I find myself sufficiently versed in the intricacies of arboreal habitats, particularly in matters concerning their geography and layout. Hence, I posit that I am well-equipped to make informed suppositions on rudimentary matters, such as veering off the well-trodden path.

Ah, the gravity of this assertion became glaringly evident when I, with a smidgen of hubris, procured plane tickets to Idaho Falls. My earlier proclamation in a previous discourse laid bare my intention to lease a vehicle and repose within its confines.

Alas, my travels have acquainted me with forests bedecked with byzantine networks of old and new logging roads, meticulously engineered paths, and even verdant clearings that a well-equipped jeep could traverse with élan. Thus, the notion that a forest encompassing the expanses of not one, but four states, might not offer a secluded nook for surreptitious slumber within my vehicular abode, was beyond the scope of my contemplation.

Oh, what a delusion that was, for I was to be humbled greatly!

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Sounding Smart is Exhausting!! I’m Back….

So… I drove about 560 miles in the 4 days I was there. I drove around the park in its entirety, plus some, and did not once, anywhere, find any means of escaping the asphalt path laid before me [with my vehicle].

It was either treacherous cliffs, steaming thermal areas, or –

Note: There is absolutely no way to camp inside Yellowstone, outside a designated campground or lodge, if you brought a vehicle with you.

The Animals

The only animals of note that I saw were Bison and Elk. And let me tell you something, they do not give AF and don’t you think for a minute, that they aren’t 100% aware of the penalties you will face for poaching in Yellowstone.

They bask in the grass fields at the lodge’s, while tourists gawk [while still obeying the picketed reminders, we are not allowed to go off trail or near the wildlife!]… they even cross bridges with the cars [waiting in line, as if not to take advantage of there dominance.].. then, when they want, they wonder off into the millions of square miles of forest in which we are not allowed.

Transportation To and In Yellowstone

If you are considering driving to the park and it’s more than a couple hours jaunt, I would seriously ask you to reconsider. Reason being, two-fold:

The DRIVE!

First, all you do is drive when you are there. Unless you have multiple people to trade driving duties with, don’t have back problems, don’t have kids, and [gas] money is not an issue, among other things…

The pros about driving however, are that you don’t have to check bags, worry about weight limits, and throw-away half your crap on the way back (though for some of us, that’s a good thing).

The Cost

Second, flights in and out of Idaho Falls are cheap AF!! $88 round-trip, including taxes, to and from PDX. I saved 20 hours (not including stops for anything) for $88.

[mic drop]

The only negative about flying is the packing. I checked 2 bags to fit all my camping gear and a bunch of other shit I didn’t need. In retrospect, I could have done it in one, but am not too upset about it. I have 1 badass bag that could fit my house in it, but the other had wheels and aided in the airport jaunts. I have literally drug a bag on the floor through the entirety of LAX (not even caring at that point if it ripped open and left a trail of my dirty underwear leading right to me), because I was so exhausted and in excruciating back pain from carrying unfriendly luggage for too long. That was the only first class flight I’ve ever taken and it was by far, the most miserable. Never again.

The flight however, is still only have the battle. I contemplated renting an RV but it was more expensive than some of the lodging and as I would later find out, you would still need to rent a camp spot, so I settled on a Jeep Gladiator, through Turo. It was $89/day + an optional $50 for airport pickup/drop-off. Now I have a Jeep Wrangler and love Jeeps but have never been a fan of their trucks. Until now. I loved it!! It drove great and the top was a synch to take off (and never went back on).

Lodging

One of the thousand items I purchased for this trip was a truck bed tent for $100. Best idea ever!!

It took me about 3 minutes to pack my campsite, and move to the next location. All I did was zip the tent, undo some tent rods, then put the box of wood on top, and voila’!

I have a page I throw all my travel faves on, but I want to post about all the failures too, because they are just-as, if not more, important to know about as the good ones. Ill include a link once I do it.

Night 1: Canyon Village Campground $35/Night, 1 Car/Tent Spot Reservation Online

I thought it was going to take a lot longer, but I want to say it was about an hour or two from the west entrance. In my head, the park touched four states, therefor it’s monstrous. And it is big, but monstrous is an over-statement.

Note: Everything in Yellowstone is closer than it appears.

Canyon was unimpressive, though I will admit I didn’t venture out much here. I started wondering around for a bit, finding cool mushrooms, but it quickly got dark and I realized I didn’t even know how to use my Bear Spray, so hiked my stupid happy ass quickly back to camp.

Note: The campgrounds & lodges (yes, a good number of the lodges have rooms with no running water) give out shower tickets. The campgrounds in specific, give you a card for two per night. I personally never tried them. I’ve been to jail: not a fan of

I was right next to an overly-friendly Brady Bunch family, starring “that weird uncle” who would not go away. It kind of appeared the rest of the family let him come because he probably would have came anyways and it was just easier, but it also appeared that he knew his limits because he strayed away from them all most the time (unfortunately towards me). I know it sounds weird, but he smiled too much. Creeped me out. Then, the mom saw me loading my gun and came struttin’ over in her Birkenstocks and began a never-ending conversation of the weirdest shit ever. It began with “Oh, you have your concealed?” and ended with something about her daughter dating the same girl since she was 9… 9! Who dates at 9, wtf?? Another daughter of hers [very socially awkward] later stumbled over to tell me that I shouldn’t have food out, then began talking about her Asian smut book she had in her hand…

I left at 6am.

As I’m driving it dawned on me that I’m homeless for the next two nights and my chances of finding a campsite off the beaten path seem slim-to-none at this point. I get on their website and try and book a place. There is NOTHING that night and one room left at Mammoth lodge for the following night. I even check places surrounding the park. Nothing.

Fuck it. What are they going to do? Tell me they’re full and make me sleep in my truck? Oh, damn….

So I booked the lodge for my last night and continued on.

I got to Old Faithful at about 4pm. Terrible mistake.

So you can get a mental picture, imagine a huge forest with like 5 human check-points spread throughout. Each check-point has a couple options for a place to sleep, a park general store (aka gift shop with tin foil, s’more ingredients, and bear spray), gas station, and visitors center. It’s a shit show and Old Faithful is the most extravagant shit show of all.

I had to park at the furthest of about 4 parking lots away. I would have turned around and left immediately but I still had hope from some friendly advice from a stranger at a bar before I entered the park…

PREQUAL (Long Story, Not Short – click to skip! lol)

So, there’s this tiny “town” right at the west entrance of the park. It’s full of souvenir shops, quick-e-marts, gas stations, RV & quad rental shops, as well as a couple grocery stores. I wasn’t planning on stopping, but about an hour earlier, when I grabbed my phone to check and see which campground I had booked, my phone said I was locked out and had to wait an hour to try again…. wtf??… about 5 minutes from this town, I looked again and it said I had 2 hours and 22 minutes before I could try again…. fml!

I pull into bum-fuck metro and decide to restart my phone. Maybe that will help?

I have never seen this shit before!! If you get your password wrong, it will lock you out for like a few minutes… I never touched the mofo and it locked me out for hours!!!

I’m sitting up at the bar of some random ass restaurant, about a half a click from the park entrance and I have no idea where to go. I ask the bartender if they have wifi.

No. Of course they don’t.

“Do you know where I can find wifi?”

No. Of course not.

So, I put some lip gloss on, turn to my right, and try to adjust to a “puppy-dog face”….

“Excuse me, sir? So, this is like really ghetto, but”….[blah blah blah}….” can I hook up to your hotspot??”

He was even less enthused than I imagined lol. He literally like grunted and said yes, just a minute, and then proceeded to browse the web for an additional 30 before telling me his password.

FYI, For those of you who didn’t know: You can share your hotspot and browse, Simultaneously!!

It wouldn’t be me, if there wasn’t another shit-show to follow.

Of course, for the first time in like years, my Google wanted to verify my account. VIA F-ING phone!! Which I later found out I could answer incoming calls, just not unlock (this would have saved me about 45 min….

So, I needed to log in to Google so I could log in to either my Yellowstone account… or my Gmail. Nope. Then I tried my Kayak account… then my trips account… everything wanted OTP [apparently they don’t know me ;)!

At one point, I had my phone, iPad, and laptop out, trying to verify fucking ANYTHING!

In retrospect, I should’ve tried the “call to verify” option a lot sooner.

In the midst of this fiasco, a young “Yellowstoney-looking-fellow” sat down to my left. Now, if I didn’t have a kid and a part-time boyfriend, I would’ve ditched the Jeep and all my belongings and just left with his ass! This dude just travels EVERYWHERE! He has like some job, he BS’s his way through via TEAMS meeting, while he’s fucking chilling in Columbia or some shit! He’s the one who told me the “trade secret”. When you go to Old Faithful, go upstairs in the lodge, grab a drink, and sit out on the deck, which overlooks the geyser. To top it off, everyone there will know how much longer until the eruption courtesy of the Old Faithful clock downstairs!

I ended doing what he suggested. It was a magnificent view and I had a front row seat… however, it had just erupted before I got there and I am too GD impatient to sit and wait for another 90 minutes, so I bounced.

I would come back the next morning and not regret my decision the slightest.

Note: Old Faithful erupts approximately every 90 minutes. Other geysers erupt sporadically, at intervals ranging from hours to months… Here is a website with the eruption prediction times for all the geysers in the park.

Back to Lodging…

Old Faithful Inn is going to be the busiest place to stay: constantly bustling with tourists. It’s old and the amenities are slim to none. As it is anywhere in the park. You will pay a pretty penny but don’t expect anything fancy.

Here’s a video of the shared bathroom and the second floor area….

My second day here I started at about 6am. I stopped anywhere sign told me to stop. A should-be 45 min drive to Old Faithful took me about 3.5 hours. At 9-9:30 am, it was getting busier, but not Outlet Mall-busy yet. I was so close to skipping this one and I’m so glad I didn’t. Pardon my French, again, but it was FUCKING COOL!

I spent a good couple hours there, walking the boardwalk.

Side Note: As I’m walking, I notice shit/dropping scattered all over the thermal areas. Large ones. Definitely bison. I don’t think much of it at first. But as I’m sitting on this bench waiting for a geyser to erupt, staring at this stupid “Do Not Walk on Thermal Areas” sign, displaying a person falling in a steaming hole in the ground, my eyes flicker back to the pile of shit. Then to another. And another. And – you get the point….

I start laughing.

I don’t see dead bison anywhere lol…

Though, we all know if we weren’t kept on our leash (aka “the boardwalk”), remains of and maimed members of this “dominant” species [we called humans] would litter this fucking place.

We are idiots.

Night 2: Grant Campground $58/Night, RV Spot/Cash

The previous night however, I stayed at Grant. Though, they were full when I tried to book, as was EVERYTHING UNDER $500, WITHIN A 200 MILE RADIUS. But I said fuck it, and made a day of it.

About 9pm rolled around and I realized – It was time…

I drove to Grant and waited in the mosquito-infested-check-in line (that had a big sign above it saying “FULL”). When my time came, I did what my son used to do when he was an infant – I looked in my reflection and adjusted my face to look the most pitiful I could muster….

Me: Sir, I stayed at the Canyon last night and have reservations at mammoth tomorrow but couldn’t get anywhere reserved for tonight and I don’t know what to do!!??

I literally BEAT BOTOX and had my forehead so concerned, I could probably get a refund from my medispa

Sir: [Looking towards his female coworker] This woman right here is staying at Mammoth tomorrow and she was told that we are the only ones with availability, is that right?

Fuck. That’s totally not what I said.

She starts to say no, when he jumps in and says –

Sir: She has a truck bed tent so she only needs an RV spot….

Female Coworker: What?!

Sir: She has a tru–

Female Coworker: Oh, yeah, yeah, she can have E46.

Sir: [smiling at me] This is literally the only spot left in the park.

I sigh and hand him my card. He proceeds to ask me for the 8th time if I have bear spray…

Me: Oh, yeah…. And a taser…. and a .380…

Sir: There was a bear here in the campground less than a half hour ago… here’s your shower tickets, your spot is here, this is how you get to the lake…

I liked this campground. If your going to camp, I definitely recommend Grant. There’s creeks, tributaries, and of course, the gorgeous Lake Yellowstone. It’s also centrally located, so you could venture out a new direction everyday with plenty of time to reach the border and back.

Once again, I was “packed” and on the road by 6:30. I didn’t have any plans or goals for the day, I just drove and stopped wherever the fuck I wanted.

I did lose a lot of time backtracking on my trip, though it wasn’t as frustrating as I would have thought it would have been.

I chose to travel the Yellowstone “loops” in a clockwise direction. I advise against that. Not only were most the pullouts on the other side of the road, but almost all the parks attractions are accessed via 1-way roads, which had me doing loops off the main road, going the way I just came from.

HINT: TRAVEL THE PARK COUNTER CLOCKWISE.

Some other random things I discovered…

• If everyone stops all the sudden, its a.) bear if they’re out of their vehicles, or b.) bison, if they’re still in there cars and not moving.
• Anytime there’s a bear sighting, park rangers instantly apparate out of thin air and are suddenly ensuring everyone is on our “human road” and not blocking traffic. It’s actually quite impressive.
• USE the GD pullouts if people are behind you. Most people at the park are courteous enough to do so, and they are appreciated. the rest of you, are from Utah so I will give you a break out of sympathy.
• Utah plates are THE WORST DRIVERS TO FOLLOW – they’re a rare breed of cautious speedsters, cruising like they’re in no hurry to reach the liquor store! The percentage of them that drive like 15 mph in a 45 mph zone, and refuse to use any of the last 16 pullouts designated for such douches, is alarmingly higher than any other state.
• I read about the temperature fluctuations throughout the day, but took it with a grain of salt. Mistake. Even if it’s “only” a 40 degree difference between high and low, the highs and lows here have a dramatically different “feels like” temperature. Can’t really explain it, but we’ve all experienced it.
• I hope you love mosquitos.
• I have never seen so many Jeeps in my life!
• Internet in the park is about as reliable as dial-up. You will most likely have no bars while traveling between destinations and when you get a couple, you’ll probably only be able to send standard texts but no pictures or anything. There is Wi-Fi at the lodges, but it gets overwhelmed very easily and can be slow AF.

On the way to mammoth, I hit up the Yellowstone Grand Canyon, Upper and Lower Falls, a few random geysers, saw the “ass” of a bear that was walking back into the forest, got caught in a 90-some minute construction delay (literally 90 minutes in one spot!! I got out, peed in the woods, gathered some wood, made a margarita, and changed twice while waiting), and went fishing a couple times.

No, I did not catch anything but fucking salmon flies!!!!

I don’t remember if I mentioned how drastically the scenery changes from one hour to the next when driving this bitch; nonetheless, it’s worth repeating…

I feel like I crossed about 4 climatic zones just from Grant to Mammoth. The last being…

Mammoth is a bustling little town. Not quite Old Faithful status, but definitely a metro-city compared to the previous two sleeping quarters I had.

Night 3: Mammoth Inn $259/Night, 1-day advance online reservation

I definitely don’t regret not roughing it my last night.

That was be best shower I have had since I was released from jail.

It also allowed me to clean out the Jeep and Tent and clean/pack everything at my leisure and in comfort. So much better than cramming my crap together last minute and uncomfortably, in a panic.

The only thing I NEED EVERYONE TO KNOW ABOUT MAMMOTH…JC, are their beds a POS!! I mentioned jail earlier.. county jail beds put these monstrosities to shame. I literally got my blow-up mattress and put it under me on the bed and still hated life.

I still think the ground was better.

I slept like 8 minutes my last night.

Again, it wouldn’t be Summer without the grand finale..

Somehow on my trip, I lost my temp. paper ID I got from the DMV. I didn’t bring shit with me either, under the delusion I was being smart (can’t lose shit I don’t have).

I’m waiting in line at the airport, and like a pro. I make eye-contact with a TSA due (still about 20 people back) and yell to him, “FYI, I’m going to need a Secondary!”

He literally stops helping people and ushers me in.

I did not know there were 2 levels to a “Secondary” (referring to proof of identification at the airport). This time [yes, this is not my first rodeo] I had literally nothing. Last time, I got on an airplane with a pill bottle and garbage bag. This time however, some TSA chick with amazing eyelashes had to call somewhere and I had to answer a bunch of question (e.g. name a landmark near your house. Can’t have the cities name in it..).

Needless to say, I gave them way more info than was needed lol. As they ushered me through, I offered (holding my hands above my head) the TSA chick in-training, whom I met on my way in, a courtesy pat-down. You can never have enough frisking practice. She did not take me up on it, weirdly enough…

All in all- good fucking trip!

Note: You may rest assured that concerns regarding speeding citations in Idaho need not trouble you, for the unparalleled clarity of road visibility therein is truly remarkable. Should an unfortunate citation befall you, one might venture to opine that a discerning individual might have avoided such a predicament by exhibiting a more judicious acumen in perceiving the enforcer of traffic regulations.