I am passive non-aggressive. This means I am completely chill and content until I’m all the sudden in a state of complete discontent and must do something immediately. Sometimes Ill wake up one morning and hate my hair. Instead of waiting the week required to get in to a person that KNOWS HOW TO FUCKING DO HAIR, I go to some ghetto place (and they turn my hair blue) or do it myself (and melt it off): because it needs to be done that day. Other times, I decide I need a vaca and book a trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras by myself. This time, it was the ladder.
Me and my cousins girlfriend (and my friend!) Tee, had mentioned at one point she wanted to go with me. I gave her flight info but she was working like across the country somewhere around that time and I didn’t really think she was serious.
Over the next couple weeks, I book my lodging and get tickets to a few things I didn’t do.
Since it was Mardi Gras, the fucking Motel 8 was like $600 a night! I ended up choosing a Hostel on Canal St. for $110/night. Any other time of the year it would have been $35/night.
PACKING
After Googling Mardi Gras and checking out the City’s Live Cams (mardi gras goes for like a month), I almost just brought titty-tassels but the weather could go any direction that time of year (Feb/March) so I did the adult-thing and rented a bunch of really flashy/fancy shit and brought high heels: None of which I wore and lost one (the jacket).
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| Dress |
| Blazer |
I am notorious for losing shit. And notorious is probably an understatement. So once again, thinking ahead, I did the adult-thing and I brought 2 ID’s (passport and license) and 2 phones. I had Google Fi at the time and you can order an extra sim card (which I did), so if I happen to lose my phone (which I did), I could just pop in the extra sim card in my backup phone and I’d be ready to roll again.
In retrospect, I think I may be one of the stupidest smart people in existence.
THE FLIGHT
The flight wasn’t too bad, except for the layover in Salt Lake City. If you have ever been to SLC – I’m fucking sorry! Maybe it’s because it was a Sunday, but that place was fucking dreadful! It’s like nobody has ever wanted a shot of tequila at 10am there before. Jesus.
There was nowhere to get booze in the Airport, so I called an Uber and had him drive me all over the desolate shit hole trying to acquire this foreign substance called ALCOHOL, but they were apparently clean out. $70 later and sweating, I barely make it to my connecting flight and order a Vodka with a Vodka chaser.
NEW ORLEANS
The drive to the Hostel was a tearjerker. I don’t know exactly when Katrina was, but it was a good couple Presidents ago, and there were still miles of abandoned houses with the doors still painted with the number of alive and dead people found. It gave me chills. Then when I get out of my cab at the Hostel, I look up and am like WTF !!?? Half this fucking building was missing!!! Then I noticed the sidewalk was in shambles (marble missing and stacked up randomly along side buildings and shit).
Fuck, they’re really taking their time fixing this Katrina shit, Jesus Christ.
Come to find out it was the Hard Rock Hotel construction collapse I saw on the news months before. Apparently, no one has been able to do anything or enter the Hotel due to safety reasons and lawsuits. There were still dead people in there!! One of these individuals’ legs had been visibly hanging out of a collapsed section this building the entire time. Those poor fucking family members – what is wrong with people, get them the fuck out.
After unpacking my shit, I freshened up and headed out (note, still looking normal).
OTW out I noticed a hippie with a purse gathering a group of lost looking individuals from the hostel. I remember him checking me in earlier. He asked what I was doing (I had no fucking idea) and invited me to join them “club hopping”. Shit, why not?
First one we went to, I had 2 red bull and vodkas and, after this waitress made me suck jello shots from her boobs, I was up on the dance floor (probably pretending I could twerk).
Some cute, but kinda homely, blonde chick took notice of me and I got the feeling she wanted to have my babies. At some point she was pulling me in and out of back doors of different buildings and shit, up flights of stairs (she was obviously a local)… at one point a bouncer told her she couldn’t get in, then she whispered something in his ear and he let her in.
Anyways, after another drink or so at some weird bar I started to realize that maybe she didn’t know that I couldn’t/didn’t want to make babies with her because she was introducing me to everyone like her fancy husband…So, the first chance I got, I darted.
Stumbled back to the hostel and passed the fuck out.
The beds at this place. Let me tell you about the beds: they were a cloud of pure ecstasy that fell from heaven, no joke. I even asked were they got them and they wouldn’t tell me. Trade secret or some shit. You know, in case I wanted to open a competing hostel next door.
The next morning, I headed out and just walked. I walked all fucking day – eyes wide with culture shock.
Every fucking walk of life crammed together in one beautiful but filthy soup bowl. I loved it! If Las Vegas and Walmart had a crack baby – this would be it. A little classy with a lot of trashy. And just fucking weird! No rhyme or reason for anything… old men dressed up as batman… wizards marching yelling “all hale King Treton”…. Grown ass woman in swimsuits throwing batons… fat-ass chicks in fishnets and thong onesies… men dressed as green woman… Spiderman’s having a dance battle… Jesus, you name it! Oh and you can’t forget the Monks marching around saying we will all burn because something to do with the flesh lol (I got pictures droppin it like it was hot on one of them)…
I went to watch one of the parades going on. I was sitting upon a garbage can, the envy of all, when a dude came by selling White Claws… What In The Fuck, you can drink outside here!!?? [A bright light shown down upon him and angels sang]. I was going to like this place.
At one point that night I was sitting on the curb, a little fucked up, having a cigarette, and this black dude sitting next to me says “I’ve never made out with a white chick before”. So, I obviously made out with him (duh), said “now you have”, and I left.
It was around this point that I realized I couldn’t find my phone. Fuck. I somehow made it back to the Hostel without GPS and was drunkenly rummaging through my shit in the dark, as to not disturb the other 7 potentially sleeping roommates. One, I’m sure I was loud AF soo…… Two, why the fuck was I looking for my phone at the Hostel (dumbass)??
BTW, remember when I said I was the stupidest smart person? Well , If you’re going to be smart enough to bring an extra phone because you know you’ll lose one – start with the SHITTY PHONE FOR SHITS SAKE! My retarded ass had to use a Samsung Galaxy like S-negative-fucking-3 or something the remainder of the trip.
Anyways… I’m rummaging through my shit for God-knows-what, when all the sudden the light turns on and I hear “SUMMER!!!” I swing my head around and who do I see, but Tee-fucking-Lang! (No, she’s not Asian if you’re wondering you racist bastard).
How she found me is amazing on so many levels lol
A Single White Female 
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